“Who Knows Where The Time Goes?” Judy Collins’ sad, sweet and achingly beautiful voice fills the room. I recently picked up a vinyl copy of this album for $1 at the only record store left in my town. The minor pops and scratches adding a little extra warmth and authenticity to the song. When Judy Blue Eyes first sang this song she was in her twenties. Like most twenty year olds her whole life stretched out before her; a seemingly endless road of unlimited possibilities. At that age time moves at a snail’s pace and the future is alive with promise. No need to look back when there’s so much still ahead. Through her interpretation of that song, Ms Collins was able to brilliantly convey so much of the sadness, longing and melancholy that comes with the passing of time. Not bad for a 28 year old.

When I was in my twenties I never wondered, nor did I care, where the time had gone. I was too busy looking ahead and planning for my future. Now of course more of my life is behind me than there is before me. I have no idea where the time is going but I do know wherever it’s going, it’s going much faster than I’d like it to go. A friend of mine recently compared this phenomenon to an exhibit at The Exploratorium in San Francisco. There’s this large funnel type thing, four feet or so in diameter with a hole at the bottom. A marble is released at the top of the funnel and makes concentric circles as it descends towards the hole. The circles are long and slow at first but the marble gradually picks up speed and the circles get smaller the closer the marble gets to the bottom. Right now time for me feels like that marble heading for the end of the funnel.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a fatalist. I’m certainly not sitting around marking time just waiting for the end. I’ve got a lot of living to do and I’ll live life to it’s fullest until I draw my last breath. Like Dylan Thomas famously wrote, I plan to “Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” The pace at which time seems to be moving however does add a real sense of urgency to my life.

I think I’m in better physical condition than most 63 year old men. I work out. I swim. I bike. I have a happy life with a loving family and close friends. I don’t think of myself as old but one look at the thinning grey hair, age spots and little paunch around my middle belies that belief. Frankly, the mirror these days isn’t exactly my friend. Being the father of twins and an elementary school teacher have helped to both keep me young and age me. You can damn well believe that I’ve earned every grey hair on my head.

One of the unsettling things about aging for me is that it’s totally new and previously uncharted territory. We often fear what we don’t know and this is definitely a little scary. I can observe people around me who are aging and talk with them to gain their perspectives. However, the bottom line is my experience with aging is unique to me. Yes I can learn from others and the key I think is to apply that knowledge to my own experience. Being at peace with and accepting the facts of aging are important steps in fully coming to terms with the process. Much like a journey on psychedelics, the only way out is through.

There are upsides to all of this business of course. Take for example the Senior Discount. There’s nothing like getting a dollar off at the movie theater to help assuage my fears and anxieties over growing old.  I recently ate at a health food restaurant in San Diego and  received  what was euphemistically called a “wisdom discount.” Let me just get a few more years under my belt and I’ll qualify for priority boarding on airplanes along with parents of small children, people in wheelchairs and members of the military. When my gnarled, arthritic fingers can no longer manipulate laces, buttons and zippers there will always be velcro. So at least I’ve got that going for me. 

“Rage, rage against the dying of the light!!”